Post Natal Depression. Or maybe not...

Depression sucks.

On and off for years, I have dealt with depression. I think it began around puberty and was probably triggered by the divorce of my folks. Eventually, I was able to get the support I needed, therapy, meds, support groups, the church I grew up with.. It was manageable.

When I found out I was pregnant, Post Natal Depression was something that I felt I needed to find out about. And with the news we were having twins, I expected it. What happened was slightly different. I felt like I had prepared myself for the worst and for the first few months, it wasn't that bad. Living with the lack of sleep was probably the worst bit. It wasn't quite depression, but maybe just being overwhelmed. First time parenting is enough to make you go nuts, let alone the task times two.

But it took a couple of months before the depression kicked in. The usual feelings, sad, crying, second guessing myself in my newly acquired role as parent to two lovely baby boys. In my mind I just kept telling myself that this was how it was going to be. They would start crying and I would start crying. This horrible feeling of hopelessness and despair started to kick in every morning upon waking. I knew it was time to go talk to someone. I headed to the GP and relayed the details. Yep, sounds like good old Post Natal Depression. Of course it is. Anti-depressants, referrals for parenting groups to chat about your feelings, pamphlets. All the goodies.

So, I was back on meds like the old days and everything seemed to be going well.

Then after a few months of being on meds, it all turned to custard. It seemed to have gotten much worse than before. So we upped the dose, 50mg a day to 100mg. So not just upped, but doubled. By this time, I had my period back as well.

A few weeks later, back down to dread and tiredness and crying. Back to the GP I went. This time, I was seen by someone different as the usual doctors were on holiday. This one suggested a blood test. Hmmm. Ok. It was to check a few different things to rule out other causes. Fair enough...

A couple of days later I get a voicemail from the GP. There was a script at the desk waiting for me and I should get started on it as soon as possible. Your iron levels are low.

So it turns out, my body was not storing iron properly. And out of a normal scale from 18-160, I was at 12.

Within an hour of taking this new medication, I felt like a new person! I was happy, smiling, I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. I had enough energy to play on the floor with the boys, and get my head around every situation and dilemma. I was back to myself, and maybe a bit better!

So now, I wonder about the state of my depression. Is what I felt PND? Or just the effects of loosing a lot of blood due to giving birth? I've only read a few things that say the two, PND and iron deficiency, may be related, but nothing concrete.

Sadly, I think GPs are too quick to say "PND" and just get you medicated. I won't be ranting on about pharmaceutical companies or anything here, but it might be worth a second look. Considering how much blood and nutrients leave your body during birth, I'm surprised that they don't check everyone! I also think once a new starts getting her period again, she should get checked.

I know from my experience, once I started getting my period again, it was heavier than it used to be. I figured it was normal, considering my uterus had been stretched to the size of Milwaukee.

Obviously, this has been my experience and it may not happen often to other new mums, but it's worth a second look. Now that I'm on my iron medication, my level is at 23. Not great, still low, but better. It's manageable again.

I said to someone recently, "This is, hands down, THE hardest job I have ever had. And I've had some shit bosses, but these two are so demanding and cranky!"

Luckily, I'm definitely not in it for the money!

X

Nine. Months. Seriously???

Unreal. Time is just flying by! Yesterday, I had the amazing privilege of holding wee little Lewis, just over a week old. He's newest addition to the already lovely Burns' family (love you guys!) and it was the first time holding a baby younger than our boys since they were born. I almost cried! Not for being clucky, but I barely remember our big guys ever being that small! Just so tiny and helpless... Wow...

It's such a different story now. Our once wee boys are turning into such little men. Yesterday, afternoon we spent a bit of time sitting on a blanket, in the sunshine, watching their Dad trimming a few trees around the house. There they sat in their sun hats, clapping and crawling, giggling and keeping a keen eye on the local tuis. It's so cool to see them change so much in such a little amount of time.

I can honestly say, this has been THE most difficult thing I have ever done. EVER. I know that, yeah, someday it will get easier, someday I may regain a sliver of sanity, maybe catch up on sleep, but for now we go on day to day, just scraping by, just surviving. Everyone said it would be hard, no one said it would be easy. But not one person ever actually warns you of, sadly, how much you're going suffer. All completely worth it, don't get me wrong. But be prepared to suffer and be tested at ever single turn.

Hendrik on the move.

 

With Hendrik now commando crawling, and Willem not too far off, I'm starting to feel a sense of relief. But I'm sure that won't last. They'll soon go from crawling to walking to running - in completely different directions I'm sure.

Duets with Willem

Our wee mover and shaker, Hendrik

 

In all of this chaos, one of the most rewarding things at the moment is food. They love it. They can't get enough of it and will scream at you until they are completely satisfied. I must say, baby led weaning is the way to go! Well, for us at least. I love watching them try new foods. Textures, hot, cold, flavours, they are curious about it all!

Some of their favourites are omelettes with spinach, parsley, and cheese. Chicken and pesto. Peas with mint and ricotta. Kiwi fruit. Mandarins. Oranges. Garlic hummus. Porridge. Greek yogurt. Apples. Roasted chips. Fruit bread. BBQ chicken and BBQ pineapple. The list goes on...

 

So, this bread, (yummo) was based off of this recipe from a great blog. We switched it up a little bit since strawberries aren't quite in season here, but a cup of frozen raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries did the trick. It bakes up quite nicely. Because we have a fan-forced oven, foil over the top of a perfectly browned bread helped it not to burn. The boys loved it. I loved it. Win win!

 

As our little nuggets become their own people, I love seeing all of those things that people say twins do. They are becoming good little playmates. They are babbling amongst themselves when I'm not in the room. They sing together. They cry together, which is a killer for me and appropriate of an entire blog post all it's own. And while, they are stealing each other's toys, they are also starting to pass them back and forth to each other. It's pretty damn cool.

On that note. I'm keen to start writing about a lot of our experiences with the boys. Pregnancy, feeding, sleep, dealing with stress, marriage, etc. Twins affects everyone differently. There are a lot of books and a lot of other blogs and websites about it all, but I think it's good to gather as much information as you possibly can in the early days. So for my therapy, and so other people can take what's worked for us and what's not... Consider this my challenge.

Happy 9 months, my dear darling boys, Hendrik and Willem... xx

Yep. Life is a changin'...

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there! And especially to Jacob, my awesome husband and soon to be dad! Yep. That's right! Our little family is growing with the addition of two boys! Yep, twins! They'll debut around Christmas time! Looking forward to the madness!! xx